Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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