weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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