ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
