you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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