I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just had sex on a roof
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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