yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
