if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
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In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just puked most of my soul out..
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