I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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