She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We're too hungover to prance.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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