He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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