Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
