You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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