battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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