I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
