Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
