This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
