She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
