Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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