Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
