she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
