just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
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My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it