I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
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I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.