Nicole vs. Life
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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