I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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