proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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