i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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