He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
