Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
