sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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