I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Even my vagina gasped.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
