Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
