she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
