Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
