I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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