A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
