I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Please, let me fuck your mom
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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