you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
