Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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