My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
