he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
