I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
