pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
