Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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