Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
