Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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