i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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