I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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