It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
