Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
