when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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