remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
