be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Vodka?
Forever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
