woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
