I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
