She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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