i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
