Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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