so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
