i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
